One year no beer
I’ve not written a blog post since I wrote about my big run over the summer and I’ve been meaning to do so for a while. To get back into the swing of things, I wanted to write a few thoughts about my experience of being sober for over a year, as of the start of October.
When I first stopped drinking just over a year ago, I was on my way home from one of my first formals at Cambridge. Before starting at Cambridge, I’d toyed with the idea of cutting out alcohol for a little bit to see what it would be like to move to a new place, knowing nobody, without the ‘aid’ of alcohol. After a few days, I slipped into old habits of drinking in social situations, almost purely to fit in. However, after drinking half a bottle of red wine at my first formal, I realised as I was walking home that I didn’t want to carry on drinking anymore. For me, I’d been starting to feel more and more unsure about alcohol consumption and the knock-on effects it has once the ‘buzz’ has dwindled away. This formal was enough to convince me to give it a go - partly because I realised that I didn’t even like the taste of alcohol, but more importantly, because I noticed that others were able to have great nights off the booze. Having managed to convince myself that stopping drinking would be overwhelmingly net-positive, I decided that I would try to go one term (8 weeks) without drinking.
What started off as a term soon became two, and then three, and now I’ve gone over a whole year without drinking! Despite being far from easy at times, I can honestly say that this has been one of the best decisions that I’ve ever made. So, it should be easy for me to write about my experience, right? Not really. I now find myself so far removed from drinking and the activities associated with drinking that I’ve almost forgot what it was like to be living sub-optimally. In saying this, I still hope that the rest of this blog will provide some insight and inspiration :)
Context is always important when discussing changes that someone has made in their life. I was never dependent on alcohol, but I would be lying if I said that some nights, a few pints of beer would allow me to feel ‘relaxed’ and put me in a place to make friends and have fun. Don’t get me wrong, in the early days, alcohol was very much an enabler of conversation and socialising, however, I strongly believe that using something to alter your normal, sober, behaviour, can quickly lead to feelings of dissatisfaction in one’s life. For me, I realised that the joy I had when drinking was mostly an illusion of fun, used to mask feelings that I did not want to address in my own mind. I’ve always enjoyed solitude and spending time alone - be it in the mountains or reading a book at home. When I started to go partying, I felt a strong need to fit in with the people around me. And guess what fit the bill to allow me to do this? Alcohol. Instead of developing confidence and social skills by making friends when sober, I often found that alcohol allowed me to be more relaxed. I know that others might feel this way too. But I assure you that, having been sober for a year now, this approach is counterintuitive. By removing the ‘aid’ of alcohol in new social situations, be it at parties or professional events, I’ve been forced to be comfortable in my own skin and have little choice but to come across as my true self. At first, this made things a little hard, particularly if many others were drinking around me. However, I found that after a month or so of being sober, my confidence had grown. Not in an arrogant, ‘Look at me’ way, but instead in a way that allowed me to feel more comfortable simply observing and listening to others in a group conversation, instead of trying to be the centre of attention - like I often did when drunk.
On the topic of being myself, a year on from stopping drinking, I feel a lot happier in my own skin. By nature, I am quite extreme - I either go all in or nothing. When I started running, I went straight to ultramarathons and built up far too quickly and soon became injured because I had pushed too hard. At school, I would study late into the evening, pushing myself to do as well as possible. This isn’t always a bad thing if used to my advantage, but sometimes it comes back to bite me and backfires. During university, I was simultaneously trying to put myself across as both an athlete and a party animal - often finding myself referencing the phrase ‘work hard, play hard’. In a sense, this made me feel as if the life I was leading was sustainable and, so long as I could keep it up, things would only keep getting better. After all, who wouldn’t want to be the person who can juggle these two areas of life? However, over time, I started realising that this concept of ‘balance’ does not quite work as well for someone extreme like myself, particularly when drinking was one of the things I was trying to balance.
Luckily, I wasn’t, however, naive and oblivious to the fact that alcohol is not great for one’s mental and physical health. Every year in the lead up to exams, I would always cut back on the booze as I was aware that alcohol was not exactly conducive to memorising and solving problems. Over time, I realised that during these sober periods, I would start to feel mentally sharper and less anxious than when I was drinking more. I would get into a good habit of studying and taking care of my mind and body and then I would pull through during the exams. It is only now that I realise just how much of a difference alcohol makes on all things related to memory, focus, sleep, anxiety…the list goes on…and that it was improvements in these things that was allowing me to learn quicker and retain information before exams. However, during the first few years of university, summer would end and I would soon be back into ‘party mode’, juggling a busy physics degree, sports, and partying. However, almost iteratively, every time I took time off drinking, I began to see more and more just how much better my life could be if I cut out alcohol. For me, since I stopped drinking last year, I’ve found it far easier to keep on top of my studies and to do well. It’s freed up time for me to study in the mornings instead of being hungover. It’s allowed me to sleep better, meaning that I can remember and retain information better. It’s allowed me to dedicate energy to things that nourish my mind and body, not malnourish. However, most importantly, it has allowed me to slowly begin to peel back the layers of onion surrounding me.
It’s funny, I always used to associate late, good nights with alcohol, ignoring or avoiding any other form of social activity as it was not cool - remember, I was trying to be a party animal! Luckily, after starting in Cambridge, I managed to find an amazing group of supportive friends who enjoyed evening activities other than drinking. When I decided to quite the booze, I vocalised this to my friends. I immediately felt a massive weight lift off my shoulders. However, I soon realised that the removal of this ‘skin’ layer of my ego’s onion would inevitably lead to deeper layers being exposed. This is often something people will describe as one of the things to be ready for if you stop drinking. After all, if alcohol was previously used to mask feelings and to help you come across as someone you weren’t, then this is bound to lead to some additional anxieties and worries. But, I like to view it from a different lens. Imagine looking down into a pool of water full of turbulence and ripples, beneath which there lie many things on the bed of the pool. When there’s turbulence, these things can barely be seen, often blurring into one confusing image. Now, imagine the water sitting still, absent of any turbulence or noise. You can now see, separately, all of the objects on the puddle bed. The former is what my mind was like when I used to drink - lots of thoughts and ideas, full of potential, but no way of seeing them clearly, of sorting them out. The latter is what it feels like to be sober; in control of the mind. Now, you can start to see why this could be problematic as, more often than not, we as people do not like confronting some of our problems or insecurities, and instead prefer to brush them under the water and hope that time will ‘heal’. However, in my opinion, the clarity of thought that being sober has brought to me is one of the biggest things I have noticed. For the first few months, I sometimes felt lost and isolated as I had so much time to think and ponder. However, as I now had the time to journal and think through my feelings, I was able to gain some clarity and peace. One year on, I still experience stress like others, but I now know that I have the capacity and time to rationalise, talk about, and solve these day to day problems. Slowly but surely I feel as if I’m peeling back the layers of the onion until, eventually, I’ll be entirely comfortable with who I am. Regardless, we are all the same at the end of the day.
Moving on from how I’ve found an improvement in my memory, confidence, and ability to think things through, one of the most noticeable changes I’ve noticed is just how much more free time I have. As I mentioned in my previous post about stopping drinking, having so much more free time has allowed me to pick up new hobbies, spend more time with my friends and family, and focus on taking care of my mind and body. However, since I wrote that last post, things have changed a little. For the first few months, I felt a little lost as I was attempting to find different ways of filling in the extra time that I now had during my days. I’m quite an active person, so I like to keep busy and mobile. However, I’ve started to realise over the past few months that there’s no need to ‘fill’ all of your waking hours to feel satisfied and happy. Although still working on it, I have found that I am becoming far more accepting of just doing nothing or relaxing in some of my spare time. As humans, we require solitude and I believe that for great things to happen and for progress to be made, the mind needs time to think and to wander. So even if those old club nights aren’t replaced with anything quite so crazy, I try to appreciate and be grateful for having the time to think and rest.
Being sober hasn’t all been easy. This past year has been full of tough moments, but as previously touched on, I no longer feel as if I have a constant cloud surrounding my mind. By having more clarity in my thoughts, I have found that I have been able to find more purpose in my life and to be more intentional with my time - investing time into things that are truly aligned with my values. As I grow older, the more I realise and appreciate that we’re fundamentally just an incredibly complex bunch of atoms compounded to make incredibly clever organisms that are lucky to be on this planet. Perhaps it’s just me, but I want my thoughts to be entirely my own and what I feel to be pure and unaltered by alcohol. Don’t get me wrong, alcohol has long been something we as people have consumed; being prominent in many cultures around the world. But, I think there’s been a huge shift in the way in which it is consumed, particularly by young adults in our country. In the old days, the experience would be lengthy and joyous, where you appreciate the journey from the vine to your glass. But now, this is becoming less true. In a society that prioritises profit, alcoholic drinks production methods are now highly industrial and its consumption is now often disconnected from many cultural reasons, and is instead merely used to get ‘smashed’. I’ve nothing against traditions or moderate consumption of quality alcohol, but I personally do not want to spend my life not remembering or appreciating half of it because I’m too drunk.
To finish off, more often than not in modern society we feel the need to conform to the societal pressures and expectations that we face. I believe that we must take a big step back to question why, on an individual and also cultural level, we consume as much alcohol as we do. Why is it that, in a world where the elixir that is alcohol is more abundant than ever before that we are more lonely and disconnected than ever? Why is it that many people, including my past self, see alcohol as an enabler of connection and fun? These are the sorts of questions that I started asking myself a few years ago and, despite still being far away from answering these questions, by removing alcohol from my life, I feel as if the answers to some of these questions are starting to appear.
That’s it for this blog. It was a little bit of a ramble, however, I hope that it sheds some light on what it is like to lead a sober life. I do not want to paint a false picture of a perfect life, as this is far from the case. However, I wish to share my experiences to help others who are interested in stopping drinking. Going forward, I hope to help tackle the stigma that still remains regarding being sober and help spread the message that an alcohol-free life can be a fun life.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post, Elis.